Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Do I have high hopes for 2015?

The year 2015 was doomed from that moment in 2012 when I thought I could actually get myself on my path A (the most shiny and sparkly path complete with a conveyor belt to makes things that much faster) with how much of a failure I was. That moment in 2012 set up a deplorable amount of failures on my part that led up the year 2015: my very last pre-recorded chance. Since that moment, there has been my eighteenth birthday when I somewhat realised that my life for the past year had not been as fruitful as I had thought; the time after my eighteenth birthday when I realised that the break of life from here on had basically stopped and the fun was over; the unexpectedly dreary and tiring content of my most dangerous subject in college in my again dangerous second year; the problems with my university applications and my being put at an unfairly severely low place on the list of priorities, that point in 2013 where I realised that path A was unrealistic because I am an utter failure and only those who are adequate at life or have enough money to get themselves out the responsibilities of going through life like everyone else are allowed the privileges of that shiny and sparkly path; loneliness; absolute depression; self-destruction; that one cruel email from my teacher that told me my dreaming was over, I had failed pitifully and I was going to have my entire future taken away with just that; almost suicide; my mother finding me and my parents both talking me into some kind of safe state of mind; the taking of responsible adult action on my part to come to find that adults suck and with some of them almost every word that comes out of their mouth when they’re talking about you is a lie; going on the much less sparkly but surprisingly quite nice  path; the path getting a little scarier and outside of the comfort zone I never thought could be so small and limited; unknowingly unstable comfort; absolute disaster because of one stupid mistake on the course of that unstable comfort when I thought I finally had a break.

This has been an eye opener, a knock on the head and a lesson learnt. The truth is: there is no such thing as break in my life, in many of our lives. And I only just realised that. I guess I’ve grown up a little but the scary thing is that there is so much more to learn because I am still young and mentally a lot younger and to me, life really isn’t scary until it happens. I go with the flow. This year of 2015, I know I will continue to go with the flow and I will happen to come across life and it will be scary but that’s all it is, life and it can destroy you but you can’t lie on your back on the ground and say to passers by when they ask why you’re lying on the ground that life destroyed you. We all live life. We all have to get up, walk along our own paths and deal with life as it comes.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone learns from those mistakes but it doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes over and over and over again. It’s a part of living life. We can’t avoid it no matter how much we want to. No matter how much it is an inconvenience to that shiny sparkly path we have right in front of us that we can step on to if we just work that little bit harder. You can totally mess up due to one stupid little mistake and/or an old habit that dies hard and that life you thought would be “easier” is gone. It happens to all of us. Some of us give up and complain forever until we die and some of us get up no matter how many stupid mistakes we make and we walk that new path and we take life as it comes because what do you really have to complain about when you really try and put your all into reaching for the life you want.

So, in closing, do I have high hopes for 2015? I've stopped hoping. I'm going to get what I want eventually, I might fail again like I have so many times but I won't give up because there is an unlimited amount of routes to the promise land.

This is coming a state of mind where I have been thinking about giving up and ending it all for the second time in my life and is for all those people who have been experiencing similar thoughts or are just finding life really hard lately. No matter who you are, no matter what your problems are, this is life, we all live it so let's support each other and live it together. I'll always be here.

If you are humane and want to talk:

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