Update on Life | Saturday 24th January 2015

Warning: if you’re an aggressive atheist and/or are offended by the idea of Christianity don’t read this post. Better yet, just don’t come back J

So, it’s Saturday, I’ve completed my first cycle in my second semester in my second year of uni and I finally have time to sit down and write a blog post. And I swore I would write more this year.

This year has had a surprisingly terrible start for me filled with all sorts of horrors and very dark thoughts but, I don’t want to jinx anything but, it looks like things are… going to be okay. You see, I have a dream. My dream is to go to Korea and it looked like that was taken away from me but just two days ago there was a sudden switch and I know that was all down to prayer. Maybe not just prayer from me but I prayed one night, something I’d never said before and it was that night all my inhumane horrifying nightmares stopped and I actually had a really nice dream. It was so nice I probably laughed in my sleep. I woke up that morning feeling more at ease than I had felt in weeks. Then two days ago I got an email (yes, it’s always an email) with the nuance that everything was maybe going to be okay. And just yesterday evening, I had a talk with my mother and it made me realise that things are going to be okay. This desire that I have to go to Korea is so strong and is something I’ve had for so long (even after other opportunities were taken away) that it may be a desire that God has put into my heart. I can’t imagine it being otherwise. This dream won’t do me any harm as long as I stay alive and strive towards it. And when I get there I’m going to have the greatest time. I know it. God promised me. He gave my mother a verse for me when I was just 10 years old: Jeremiah 29v11 

“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

We’ll see how things go on. I’m still a nervous wreck about life in general but that’s just in my nature.

This first week back at uni wasn’t too bad in terms of the content of my modules. It seems to be a short semester and I’m hoping it’ll feel like one. The faster the semester, the closer I am to Korea, right? And I would have officially completed my second year of university. There is one module in particular which I totally 100% signed up for but now must “endure” for the next 12 weeks or so because it’s something that brings me such nerves I cannot control the shakiness of my entire body, let alone by hands when I get up there and pretend that I have authority over people who are older than me. That’s the thing about teaching adults. These are grown ass people that probably have more education than I do. They certainly are brave to come to a country where they don’t know much of the language (like I will) and then us students have to stand up in front of them and freaking teach them. I knew I would not like to teach adults in my career because it just seems wrong. Thinking of appropriate games, appropriate register to talk to them in without being patronising, because God knows I hate patronisation (is that a word? :/). But I must endure it and try to do as well as I can with help from God until the end of the semester. Because I found out this week that we don’t have to teach in the final year. Which I’m super pleased about. Should I be pleased? I want to be a teacher, right? Well, I want to teach kids (elementary, middle and high school) but I’ve decided that I don’t want to teach in a Korean university anymore even though apparently you"ll get the most money from that. I think that’ll be even more strange living in that culture of speaking a certain way to your elders. Damn.

In terms of my New Years resolution of learning more Korean before I go to Korea. It’s going well. This weeks was not so good because of my new schedule with uni but now that I've completed my first week and know what things are going to be like and have bought some new earphones, I can listen to TTMIK’s podcasts when I’m out too. I’m more determined than ever.

Well, I guess that’s it for this update. I actually have a (sorta controversial) post about EXO (and just the kpop scene in general) coming up very soon, so look out for that.

Growing up hurts.

Warning: possible controversial opinions
I've been feeling really kind of down lately (lately as in quite a few weeks now) most of the time I can't really find a reason but I do have some reasons, I guess. It's just that those reasons shouldn't make me feel like this 24/7. Yes, 24/7, it's gotten to point that every night I have nightmares. I have to pray diligently every night before I go to sleep that I won't have any nightmares. Since starting uni in October my stress has gradually gotten higher and higher and unbearably higher. It's really taking it's toll and I think that may be the main reason for my nightmares, just the stress and worries of what's going on in my life and what's going on with me.

The problems that I think about the most are:

• The transition from being a child to an adult and
• Day to day talking to people who don't have Christ in their lives and feeling so sad about it.

Yeah, these are actual problems that I have and they are big ones.

The first being the transition is the one I think about the most. Now that I'm in my second year of uni, my course requires me to have quite a huge level of responsibility and to be very honest: it freaks me out. I've never had so much responsibility thrust upon me like this. And you may brush it off and say I'm just a little kid or I'm acting like a kid or whatever but yeah, I'm admitting it. I am a little kid. I don't want to completely blame my parents for how they've raised me but the situation is that that is the situation. There's nothing I can do about it. This is who I am. Most people in my class are older than me, some are younger or the same age but I'm telling you, none of these people seem to be having the slightest problem with this sudden responsibility. I've spoken to my close friend about this who is the same age as me and she doesn't seem to understand how I feel, either. I mean, it's not like I'm running around complaining to everyone who'll listen about this, I am just getting on with and doing what I have to do, so it could be that other's feel the same and are hiding it as I am. But it's hard.

I am basically responsible for someone else's ability to speak English and their experience they have with me and my peers/colleagues will affect them for the rest of their lives. It's a big deal and it's so sudden. But please don't get me wrong because I'm not saying I don't want to do this. That's the whole point. This is life. We all have to grow up at some point. And I want to grow up but it's really surprisingly hard for me. This whole situation is that I can't just think about myself and the conventional student life of getting my own work in on time but I have to think about others that are dependent on me to teach them and give them something that will help them throughout their life if they take it. 

I'm not one to complain, that's why no one in my life knows about this apart from my very close friend. It even feels weird writing it here and telling you and you probably can't even relate to this but...

Just fyi, I live with my parents and it was not long ago that my parents went away for the weekend. They left with my telling them, "I'm just a child." Anyway, when they were gone, I'm telling you I've never felt more like an adult. The adult that I wanted to be. I was left with my two-years-younger sister in the house for two days and while she did nothing, I tidied the house like never before for those two days; I kept it clean and you know, just normal house work and I wasn't asked by parents to do any of it. It felt good. I finally felt like a proper adult for the first time. My parents came home to a clean home and that very same day they did come home they messed everything up and made a lot of noise and my frequent cleaning dwindled down by demotivation. I felt like a child again.

Everyone one of my peers that are doing the exact same work I do are living away from their parents, far away. Multiple 10s of miles away and then there's me. I knew living at home while going to uni would have an affect on me like this but  I never realised how much until now. Until I looked at my younger peers that seem older than me and I see crystal clear the affects of living with your parents. From that weekend, I know that if I was living by myself I would morph into the adult I want to be straight away. The responsibility at uni would not be fun but at least I would fee like I have the right to that responsibility. Teaching people older than me is just... really weird. I have this fear that they'd find out my (and my peer's) real positions and they'd lose their respect. 

I think about living by myself a lot (no roommates, no one). I know it'll be really hard to be able to afford that opportunity and I won't be able to do that until 2016 but I look forward to it. I really do.

All I know is that I am a child inside and I need to grow up fast. I want to. But it's hard when no one understands what I'm going through. It might be smooth sailing for some people but for me, growing up hurts.

In terms of my other problem. I think I'll leave that one for another post...