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Hi guys! I've moved to a blog on wordpress ~ epiphanylikewhite.

Life Update #4: My life is very weird these days...

Why haven't I written a blog post in almost 4 weeks? My excuse is: my life is very... weird lately. I mean, I've thought about it a lot, I've thought about posting about this massive change in my life that happened almost 3 weeks ago that's totally side-tracked me from everything that used to be important to me and what is supposed to be important to me now but... I need more time to sort out if this is even real. It is my life now, but sometimes I wish I could escape. (Like everything else in my life, since I am a nervous wreck).
Also the thought that I should write a blog post when actually I should be doing coursework kind of stops me as well. A lot.
My mind is all over the place and in one place at the same time these days but I've learned so much in these past 2 and half weeks and I'm still learning.
I will tell you guys soon, if this works out and I can clear this foggy picture and get past the games. All I really want from this is to feel safe, to be honest. I mean, this is what this is all about. And you have no idea what I'm talking about so I don't even know why I'm writing this strange post but I really just wanted to update you on something. Since, I just realised today it's been almost 4 weeks since I've posted on this blog and I said that I would be a lot lot lot more regular in updating this than I was last year (I'm aiming for a blog post a week).
Anyway, since this blog post was kind of pointless and probably made you think, 'What the hell is going on with this girl?' The answer to that is: I don't even know. Nothing new there.
But yeah, something changed. Good news, I'm less insane now. And I didn't need any medication or therapy. Like I said, I will tell you what's happening and end this post here for obvious reasons.

Final thoughts: I freaking hate 밀당. Why can't be just be frank each other and love each other like it's the easiest thing in the world to do? Because it is. It is so much more easier to love someone than hate them.
I hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day and Happy Lunar New Year!

Supply and Demand - SM Entertainment, EXO and the fans

This past week I've been seriously thinking about not following EXO anymore because it absolutely tears my heart to shreds practically every time I see them sick and skinny and seeing that Jongin's practically an old man or a rag doll with all his injuries and Tao's body is just totally abused (by himself!) Who would want to see their babies like that?

It was about a week ago that the news came out that EXO was going to have a second tour and I found out this information literally seconds after it came out, luckily. Pretty much, right then, I witnessed so much of my fellow EXO-Ls being really excited about this news and I was so taken aback. I then went on a rage rant on twitter. My stance on this was and still is that EXO should not be going on another tour, reason being that it is sooo unnecessary as they already toured Asia and probably won't be visiting any places that are very different from where they went to before; almost all of them are either severely sick or severely injured, why do something as strenuous as a tour in that state? They need a break. And then I thought about the bigger problems that underly EXO having a second tour even though they just came off their last one that was 7 months long and resulted in two members leaving EXO and filing lawsuits on their company (yes, if that was not the direct reason, it was certainly the catalyst for their departure), SM Entertainment and the "fans" being excited about this second concert.

But who is at fault here? SM? Korean culture? The fans? EXO, themselves? Before you go on thinking that this is going to be a rant about how SM are monsters and they're treating their artists like machines. Stop, because that couldn't be further from the truth.

Let's stop looking at it that way and look at the bigger picture here.

Some international fans that blame SM for world hunger need to understand something that is a big part of Korean culture. A few decades ago, Korea was nowhere near as developed as it is today and it's because of it's hard working people that it has become what it is. The people work very hard in everything they do. They study hard, they stay in work even when it's time for them to go because their boss is still working. There are workers that live on the Samsung site. People work through sickness, they work for the greater good, for the team. This brings me to my point: SM Entertainment is not a person. It doesn't have a face. It doesn't have a face to save. It is a company. They are a massive business. They don't need to protect  their products health and well being if they can put them on a stage somewhere or put them in a chair somewhere or put them in a recording room somewhere and still make lots of money from them. They can leave out all the humane stuff because they are a company and their sole purpose after a near 10 years of doing this is to make money. It is natural of them as a business (especially in Korea) to work the idols down to the grind. They should not be blamed for doing this, they are company that has found a certain way of doing things like a lot of companies have. They can't change because like I said, they have no face. However, there are humans on the receiving end of things though; the consumer who can make a difference.

This supply and demand is what feeds the machine, the monster of SM. If fans calm down about wanting so much from EXO or any other idol group in a similar situation (SHINee) then there would be less demand and obviously the idols wouldn't have to be driven by such a force. The force is the fans that demand concerts. "Come to my country! You won't regret it." "Give them another variety show!" "They better be at this music festival!" "Hurry up with that album!" "Comeback 주세요!!"

Stop asking when SM will get their shit together. They never will. They've been doing this for so long and they haven't changed, in fact they've gotten a lot worse and as time goes on they will get more and more inhumane. Start asking when the fans will get their shit together. Because that's where there is a chance of change.

When will we actually care for our idols like we're supposed to.

Update on Life | Saturday 24th January 2015

Warning: if you’re an aggressive atheist and/or are offended by the idea of Christianity don’t read this post. Better yet, just don’t come back J

So, it’s Saturday, I’ve completed my first cycle in my second semester in my second year of uni and I finally have time to sit down and write a blog post. And I swore I would write more this year.

This year has had a surprisingly terrible start for me filled with all sorts of horrors and very dark thoughts but, I don’t want to jinx anything but, it looks like things are… going to be okay. You see, I have a dream. My dream is to go to Korea and it looked like that was taken away from me but just two days ago there was a sudden switch and I know that was all down to prayer. Maybe not just prayer from me but I prayed one night, something I’d never said before and it was that night all my inhumane horrifying nightmares stopped and I actually had a really nice dream. It was so nice I probably laughed in my sleep. I woke up that morning feeling more at ease than I had felt in weeks. Then two days ago I got an email (yes, it’s always an email) with the nuance that everything was maybe going to be okay. And just yesterday evening, I had a talk with my mother and it made me realise that things are going to be okay. This desire that I have to go to Korea is so strong and is something I’ve had for so long (even after other opportunities were taken away) that it may be a desire that God has put into my heart. I can’t imagine it being otherwise. This dream won’t do me any harm as long as I stay alive and strive towards it. And when I get there I’m going to have the greatest time. I know it. God promised me. He gave my mother a verse for me when I was just 10 years old: Jeremiah 29v11 

“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

We’ll see how things go on. I’m still a nervous wreck about life in general but that’s just in my nature.

This first week back at uni wasn’t too bad in terms of the content of my modules. It seems to be a short semester and I’m hoping it’ll feel like one. The faster the semester, the closer I am to Korea, right? And I would have officially completed my second year of university. There is one module in particular which I totally 100% signed up for but now must “endure” for the next 12 weeks or so because it’s something that brings me such nerves I cannot control the shakiness of my entire body, let alone by hands when I get up there and pretend that I have authority over people who are older than me. That’s the thing about teaching adults. These are grown ass people that probably have more education than I do. They certainly are brave to come to a country where they don’t know much of the language (like I will) and then us students have to stand up in front of them and freaking teach them. I knew I would not like to teach adults in my career because it just seems wrong. Thinking of appropriate games, appropriate register to talk to them in without being patronising, because God knows I hate patronisation (is that a word? :/). But I must endure it and try to do as well as I can with help from God until the end of the semester. Because I found out this week that we don’t have to teach in the final year. Which I’m super pleased about. Should I be pleased? I want to be a teacher, right? Well, I want to teach kids (elementary, middle and high school) but I’ve decided that I don’t want to teach in a Korean university anymore even though apparently you"ll get the most money from that. I think that’ll be even more strange living in that culture of speaking a certain way to your elders. Damn.

In terms of my New Years resolution of learning more Korean before I go to Korea. It’s going well. This weeks was not so good because of my new schedule with uni but now that I've completed my first week and know what things are going to be like and have bought some new earphones, I can listen to TTMIK’s podcasts when I’m out too. I’m more determined than ever.

Well, I guess that’s it for this update. I actually have a (sorta controversial) post about EXO (and just the kpop scene in general) coming up very soon, so look out for that.

A Quote to Remember

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to suceed. 

- Theodore Roosevelt

My Top 10 Favourite Kpop Songs of 2014

8 days into January and I'm only just doing this but I'm not a kpop fan so I never thought to do this until I saw JRE and FreshlyFlipped's lists on their YouTube. I never thought that there was many good kpop songs to come out of 2014 but it was only when I was making this list that I realised that there was more than I thought.

I could've made a top 15 tbh but I decided to strictly keep it 10 with some honourable mentions.

Here's my top 10.:

10. Hyuna - Red

This is the song with probably the most ridiculous lyrics on the list but it's freaking awesome and catchy, especially if you don't know that much Korean to be really bothered by it. A monkey's butt is red~~~~!

9. BTS - Just One Day

Earlier on in the year, BTS surprised us with a new refreshing song and it's definitely been one of my favourites all year because of how mellow and romantic it is.

8. f(x) - Red Light

This song sounded like a mess when I first heard it but I've realised ever since Super Junior's Mr Simple that I like songs that sound like a mess. This got a lot easier on the ears the second time round of listening to it though. :)

7. Red Velvet - Happiness

I'm not sure why there wasn't that many international kpop fans that liked this and preferred Be Natural when it came out. As your resident depressed, crazy, nervous wreck I happen to love songs that are just happy and tell you to not get caught up in the troubles of this world. I can't help but dance along when I listen to this one.

6. Zhoumi - Rewind

Aigoooooooo! His voice when he sings Chinese (so smooth) and his accent when he sings in Korean (너무 귀여워ㅓㅓㅓ~~~). I love the dum dum dum in the beginning that carried out throughout the whole song. I just love it. I real nice surprise when I thought SM's music was going down in quality and our baby Panda Tao wrote a rap for it and it's awesome!!

5. Taemin - Danger

Just... perfect, from beginning to end. I think everyone loved this one. The whole concept and choreography of this and Ace was just awesome. And Taemin thank you for getting Kai onto your album.

4. Girls' Generation - Mr. Mr.

It took a few listens to really like this song but then I got addicted (중독 ㅋㅋㅋ) and it's always comfortably playing in my head. Plus the lyrics were so easy to memorise. I didn't have to look at the lyrics, they just melted into my brain which is another reason why this is so high on the list.

3. 2NE1 - Come Back Home

I can honestly say, this is one of my favourite songs of all time. It really helped me get through the whole Kris situation earlier on this year and it reminds me of that but things are better now so it's not such a sad feeling. I really enjoy this song and the choreography. I honestly probably don't go a day without listening to it and just so you know, I'm not even the biggest 2NE1 fan.

2. EXO - Love Love Love (Rearranged ver.)

When I heard this remix when the first fancams came out of the first day of The Lost Planet concert on 23rd May, I just died. I thought, 'how could they create such a masterpeice of a "rearrangement" so soon after the original was released?' Whoever created this song, I love you and I want to send you a big fruit basket.

1. EXO - Overdose

역시, my boys EXO's title track Overdose is #1. The reason is, this song is literally absolutely amazing from start to finish. The opening of the song with the clapping and the voice  and then Baekhyun/Luhan and then it all explodes into Suho's part. When listening to this song, especially for the first time I think, there's parts where you think it's going to end soon and then a whole other section of the song opens up, i.e. Chanyeol/Kris' rap. This song is really a exollent  excellent masterpeice and I've only come to love it more and more throughout the year.

Honourable mentions

• Taemin - Pretty Boy ft. Kai
• Orange Caramel - My Copycat
• 2NE1 - Mental Breakdown (CL Solo)
• EXO - Thunder
• BTS - Danger
• BTS - Boy in Luv

Yep, there were even more songs that I liked that I had to take off the list to get the right number and I didn't want too many honourable mentions 'cause that's not how it works. Anyway, thanks for reading and tell me what were some of your favourite songs? Maybe I can check them out if I haven't bothered to listen to them already ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

Do I have high hopes for 2015?

The year 2015 was doomed from that moment in 2012 when I thought I could actually get myself on my path A (the most shiny and sparkly path complete with a conveyor belt to makes things that much faster) with how much of a failure I was. That moment in 2012 set up a deplorable amount of failures on my part that led up the year 2015: my very last pre-recorded chance. Since that moment, there has been my eighteenth birthday when I somewhat realised that my life for the past year had not been as fruitful as I had thought; the time after my eighteenth birthday when I realised that the break of life from here on had basically stopped and the fun was over; the unexpectedly dreary and tiring content of my most dangerous subject in college in my again dangerous second year; the problems with my university applications and my being put at an unfairly severely low place on the list of priorities, that point in 2013 where I realised that path A was unrealistic because I am an utter failure and only those who are adequate at life or have enough money to get themselves out the responsibilities of going through life like everyone else are allowed the privileges of that shiny and sparkly path; loneliness; absolute depression; self-destruction; that one cruel email from my teacher that told me my dreaming was over, I had failed pitifully and I was going to have my entire future taken away with just that; almost suicide; my mother finding me and my parents both talking me into some kind of safe state of mind; the taking of responsible adult action on my part to come to find that adults suck and with some of them almost every word that comes out of their mouth when they’re talking about you is a lie; going on the much less sparkly but surprisingly quite nice  path; the path getting a little scarier and outside of the comfort zone I never thought could be so small and limited; unknowingly unstable comfort; absolute disaster because of one stupid mistake on the course of that unstable comfort when I thought I finally had a break.

This has been an eye opener, a knock on the head and a lesson learnt. The truth is: there is no such thing as break in my life, in many of our lives. And I only just realised that. I guess I’ve grown up a little but the scary thing is that there is so much more to learn because I am still young and mentally a lot younger and to me, life really isn’t scary until it happens. I go with the flow. This year of 2015, I know I will continue to go with the flow and I will happen to come across life and it will be scary but that’s all it is, life and it can destroy you but you can’t lie on your back on the ground and say to passers by when they ask why you’re lying on the ground that life destroyed you. We all live life. We all have to get up, walk along our own paths and deal with life as it comes.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone learns from those mistakes but it doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes over and over and over again. It’s a part of living life. We can’t avoid it no matter how much we want to. No matter how much it is an inconvenience to that shiny sparkly path we have right in front of us that we can step on to if we just work that little bit harder. You can totally mess up due to one stupid little mistake and/or an old habit that dies hard and that life you thought would be “easier” is gone. It happens to all of us. Some of us give up and complain forever until we die and some of us get up no matter how many stupid mistakes we make and we walk that new path and we take life as it comes because what do you really have to complain about when you really try and put your all into reaching for the life you want.

So, in closing, do I have high hopes for 2015? I've stopped hoping. I'm going to get what I want eventually, I might fail again like I have so many times but I won't give up because there is an unlimited amount of routes to the promise land.

This is coming a state of mind where I have been thinking about giving up and ending it all for the second time in my life and is for all those people who have been experiencing similar thoughts or are just finding life really hard lately. No matter who you are, no matter what your problems are, this is life, we all live it so let's support each other and live it together. I'll always be here.

If you are humane and want to talk: seouldicted@gmail.com