Life Update #4: My life is very weird these days...

Why haven't I written a blog post in almost 4 weeks? My excuse is: my life is very... weird lately. I mean, I've thought about it a lot, I've thought about posting about this massive change in my life that happened almost 3 weeks ago that's totally side-tracked me from everything that used to be important to me and what is supposed to be important to me now but... I need more time to sort out if this is even real. It is my life now, but sometimes I wish I could escape. (Like everything else in my life, since I am a nervous wreck).
Also the thought that I should write a blog post when actually I should be doing coursework kind of stops me as well. A lot.
My mind is all over the place and in one place at the same time these days but I've learned so much in these past 2 and half weeks and I'm still learning.
I will tell you guys soon, if this works out and I can clear this foggy picture and get past the games. All I really want from this is to feel safe, to be honest. I mean, this is what this is all about. And you have no idea what I'm talking about so I don't even know why I'm writing this strange post but I really just wanted to update you on something. Since, I just realised today it's been almost 4 weeks since I've posted on this blog and I said that I would be a lot lot lot more regular in updating this than I was last year (I'm aiming for a blog post a week).
Anyway, since this blog post was kind of pointless and probably made you think, 'What the hell is going on with this girl?' The answer to that is: I don't even know. Nothing new there.
But yeah, something changed. Good news, I'm less insane now. And I didn't need any medication or therapy. Like I said, I will tell you what's happening and end this post here for obvious reasons.

Final thoughts: I freaking hate 밀당. Why can't be just be frank each other and love each other like it's the easiest thing in the world to do? Because it is. It is so much more easier to love someone than hate them.
I hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day and Happy Lunar New Year!

Update on Life | Saturday 24th January 2015

Warning: if you’re an aggressive atheist and/or are offended by the idea of Christianity don’t read this post. Better yet, just don’t come back J

So, it’s Saturday, I’ve completed my first cycle in my second semester in my second year of uni and I finally have time to sit down and write a blog post. And I swore I would write more this year.

This year has had a surprisingly terrible start for me filled with all sorts of horrors and very dark thoughts but, I don’t want to jinx anything but, it looks like things are… going to be okay. You see, I have a dream. My dream is to go to Korea and it looked like that was taken away from me but just two days ago there was a sudden switch and I know that was all down to prayer. Maybe not just prayer from me but I prayed one night, something I’d never said before and it was that night all my inhumane horrifying nightmares stopped and I actually had a really nice dream. It was so nice I probably laughed in my sleep. I woke up that morning feeling more at ease than I had felt in weeks. Then two days ago I got an email (yes, it’s always an email) with the nuance that everything was maybe going to be okay. And just yesterday evening, I had a talk with my mother and it made me realise that things are going to be okay. This desire that I have to go to Korea is so strong and is something I’ve had for so long (even after other opportunities were taken away) that it may be a desire that God has put into my heart. I can’t imagine it being otherwise. This dream won’t do me any harm as long as I stay alive and strive towards it. And when I get there I’m going to have the greatest time. I know it. God promised me. He gave my mother a verse for me when I was just 10 years old: Jeremiah 29v11 

“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

We’ll see how things go on. I’m still a nervous wreck about life in general but that’s just in my nature.

This first week back at uni wasn’t too bad in terms of the content of my modules. It seems to be a short semester and I’m hoping it’ll feel like one. The faster the semester, the closer I am to Korea, right? And I would have officially completed my second year of university. There is one module in particular which I totally 100% signed up for but now must “endure” for the next 12 weeks or so because it’s something that brings me such nerves I cannot control the shakiness of my entire body, let alone by hands when I get up there and pretend that I have authority over people who are older than me. That’s the thing about teaching adults. These are grown ass people that probably have more education than I do. They certainly are brave to come to a country where they don’t know much of the language (like I will) and then us students have to stand up in front of them and freaking teach them. I knew I would not like to teach adults in my career because it just seems wrong. Thinking of appropriate games, appropriate register to talk to them in without being patronising, because God knows I hate patronisation (is that a word? :/). But I must endure it and try to do as well as I can with help from God until the end of the semester. Because I found out this week that we don’t have to teach in the final year. Which I’m super pleased about. Should I be pleased? I want to be a teacher, right? Well, I want to teach kids (elementary, middle and high school) but I’ve decided that I don’t want to teach in a Korean university anymore even though apparently you"ll get the most money from that. I think that’ll be even more strange living in that culture of speaking a certain way to your elders. Damn.

In terms of my New Years resolution of learning more Korean before I go to Korea. It’s going well. This weeks was not so good because of my new schedule with uni but now that I've completed my first week and know what things are going to be like and have bought some new earphones, I can listen to TTMIK’s podcasts when I’m out too. I’m more determined than ever.

Well, I guess that’s it for this update. I actually have a (sorta controversial) post about EXO (and just the kpop scene in general) coming up very soon, so look out for that.

Do I have high hopes for 2015?

The year 2015 was doomed from that moment in 2012 when I thought I could actually get myself on my path A (the most shiny and sparkly path complete with a conveyor belt to makes things that much faster) with how much of a failure I was. That moment in 2012 set up a deplorable amount of failures on my part that led up the year 2015: my very last pre-recorded chance. Since that moment, there has been my eighteenth birthday when I somewhat realised that my life for the past year had not been as fruitful as I had thought; the time after my eighteenth birthday when I realised that the break of life from here on had basically stopped and the fun was over; the unexpectedly dreary and tiring content of my most dangerous subject in college in my again dangerous second year; the problems with my university applications and my being put at an unfairly severely low place on the list of priorities, that point in 2013 where I realised that path A was unrealistic because I am an utter failure and only those who are adequate at life or have enough money to get themselves out the responsibilities of going through life like everyone else are allowed the privileges of that shiny and sparkly path; loneliness; absolute depression; self-destruction; that one cruel email from my teacher that told me my dreaming was over, I had failed pitifully and I was going to have my entire future taken away with just that; almost suicide; my mother finding me and my parents both talking me into some kind of safe state of mind; the taking of responsible adult action on my part to come to find that adults suck and with some of them almost every word that comes out of their mouth when they’re talking about you is a lie; going on the much less sparkly but surprisingly quite nice  path; the path getting a little scarier and outside of the comfort zone I never thought could be so small and limited; unknowingly unstable comfort; absolute disaster because of one stupid mistake on the course of that unstable comfort when I thought I finally had a break.

This has been an eye opener, a knock on the head and a lesson learnt. The truth is: there is no such thing as break in my life, in many of our lives. And I only just realised that. I guess I’ve grown up a little but the scary thing is that there is so much more to learn because I am still young and mentally a lot younger and to me, life really isn’t scary until it happens. I go with the flow. This year of 2015, I know I will continue to go with the flow and I will happen to come across life and it will be scary but that’s all it is, life and it can destroy you but you can’t lie on your back on the ground and say to passers by when they ask why you’re lying on the ground that life destroyed you. We all live life. We all have to get up, walk along our own paths and deal with life as it comes.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone learns from those mistakes but it doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes over and over and over again. It’s a part of living life. We can’t avoid it no matter how much we want to. No matter how much it is an inconvenience to that shiny sparkly path we have right in front of us that we can step on to if we just work that little bit harder. You can totally mess up due to one stupid little mistake and/or an old habit that dies hard and that life you thought would be “easier” is gone. It happens to all of us. Some of us give up and complain forever until we die and some of us get up no matter how many stupid mistakes we make and we walk that new path and we take life as it comes because what do you really have to complain about when you really try and put your all into reaching for the life you want.

So, in closing, do I have high hopes for 2015? I've stopped hoping. I'm going to get what I want eventually, I might fail again like I have so many times but I won't give up because there is an unlimited amount of routes to the promise land.

This is coming a state of mind where I have been thinking about giving up and ending it all for the second time in my life and is for all those people who have been experiencing similar thoughts or are just finding life really hard lately. No matter who you are, no matter what your problems are, this is life, we all live it so let's support each other and live it together. I'll always be here.

If you are humane and want to talk: seouldicted@gmail.com

'I just want to stay home and write', has become my motto in life this semester.

Saw this on tumblr and just had to put it on this blog.

Can we just...

Sometimes it feels like life has lost all it's substance.
I know why
but it's hard...



I've been thinking about my future A LOT today.

Growing up hurts.

Warning: possible controversial opinions
I've been feeling really kind of down lately (lately as in quite a few weeks now) most of the time I can't really find a reason but I do have some reasons, I guess. It's just that those reasons shouldn't make me feel like this 24/7. Yes, 24/7, it's gotten to point that every night I have nightmares. I have to pray diligently every night before I go to sleep that I won't have any nightmares. Since starting uni in October my stress has gradually gotten higher and higher and unbearably higher. It's really taking it's toll and I think that may be the main reason for my nightmares, just the stress and worries of what's going on in my life and what's going on with me.

The problems that I think about the most are:

• The transition from being a child to an adult and
• Day to day talking to people who don't have Christ in their lives and feeling so sad about it.

Yeah, these are actual problems that I have and they are big ones.

The first being the transition is the one I think about the most. Now that I'm in my second year of uni, my course requires me to have quite a huge level of responsibility and to be very honest: it freaks me out. I've never had so much responsibility thrust upon me like this. And you may brush it off and say I'm just a little kid or I'm acting like a kid or whatever but yeah, I'm admitting it. I am a little kid. I don't want to completely blame my parents for how they've raised me but the situation is that that is the situation. There's nothing I can do about it. This is who I am. Most people in my class are older than me, some are younger or the same age but I'm telling you, none of these people seem to be having the slightest problem with this sudden responsibility. I've spoken to my close friend about this who is the same age as me and she doesn't seem to understand how I feel, either. I mean, it's not like I'm running around complaining to everyone who'll listen about this, I am just getting on with and doing what I have to do, so it could be that other's feel the same and are hiding it as I am. But it's hard.

I am basically responsible for someone else's ability to speak English and their experience they have with me and my peers/colleagues will affect them for the rest of their lives. It's a big deal and it's so sudden. But please don't get me wrong because I'm not saying I don't want to do this. That's the whole point. This is life. We all have to grow up at some point. And I want to grow up but it's really surprisingly hard for me. This whole situation is that I can't just think about myself and the conventional student life of getting my own work in on time but I have to think about others that are dependent on me to teach them and give them something that will help them throughout their life if they take it. 

I'm not one to complain, that's why no one in my life knows about this apart from my very close friend. It even feels weird writing it here and telling you and you probably can't even relate to this but...

Just fyi, I live with my parents and it was not long ago that my parents went away for the weekend. They left with my telling them, "I'm just a child." Anyway, when they were gone, I'm telling you I've never felt more like an adult. The adult that I wanted to be. I was left with my two-years-younger sister in the house for two days and while she did nothing, I tidied the house like never before for those two days; I kept it clean and you know, just normal house work and I wasn't asked by parents to do any of it. It felt good. I finally felt like a proper adult for the first time. My parents came home to a clean home and that very same day they did come home they messed everything up and made a lot of noise and my frequent cleaning dwindled down by demotivation. I felt like a child again.

Everyone one of my peers that are doing the exact same work I do are living away from their parents, far away. Multiple 10s of miles away and then there's me. I knew living at home while going to uni would have an affect on me like this but  I never realised how much until now. Until I looked at my younger peers that seem older than me and I see crystal clear the affects of living with your parents. From that weekend, I know that if I was living by myself I would morph into the adult I want to be straight away. The responsibility at uni would not be fun but at least I would fee like I have the right to that responsibility. Teaching people older than me is just... really weird. I have this fear that they'd find out my (and my peer's) real positions and they'd lose their respect. 

I think about living by myself a lot (no roommates, no one). I know it'll be really hard to be able to afford that opportunity and I won't be able to do that until 2016 but I look forward to it. I really do.

All I know is that I am a child inside and I need to grow up fast. I want to. But it's hard when no one understands what I'm going through. It might be smooth sailing for some people but for me, growing up hurts.

In terms of my other problem. I think I'll leave that one for another post...

Shall I start blogging again?

I really want to start blogging again. I remember when I started uni, I was so excited to just blog about my time there and all my experiences and stuff and my blog eventually became of more mixed content (like drama reviews etc.) and I eventually just stopped.

It's not like I didn't have ideas on what to blog about, it's just sometimes I wonder if I really should put my thoughts out on the internet like this. I have these thoughts that my readers might think I'm depressed or my opinions might be controversial or... whatever but I think it's good to have a place you can share your thoughts especially as I feel a lot that I do have quite a bit to say but I don't have the right people in my life to say it to.

It's hard for me to keep a blog up but... I guess I'll try because I want to.

Well, here's my first post I guess. :)