The year 2015 was doomed from that moment in 2012 when I
thought I could actually get myself on my path A (the most shiny and sparkly
path complete with a conveyor belt to makes things that much faster) with how
much of a failure I was. That moment in 2012 set up a deplorable amount of
failures on my part that led up the year 2015: my very last pre-recorded chance. Since that
moment, there has been my eighteenth birthday when I somewhat realised that my
life for the past year had not been as fruitful as I had thought; the time
after my eighteenth birthday when I realised that the break of life from here on
had basically stopped and the fun was over; the unexpectedly dreary and tiring
content of my most dangerous subject in college in my again dangerous second
year; the problems with my university applications and my being put at an
unfairly severely low place on the list of priorities, that point in 2013 where
I realised that path A was unrealistic because I am an utter failure and only
those who are adequate at life or have enough money to get themselves out the
responsibilities of going through life like everyone else are allowed the privileges
of that shiny and sparkly path; loneliness; absolute depression;
self-destruction; that one cruel email from my teacher that told me my dreaming
was over, I had failed pitifully and I was going to have my entire future taken
away with just that; almost suicide; my mother finding me and my parents both talking
me into some kind of safe state of mind; the taking of responsible adult action
on my part to come to find that adults suck and with some of them almost every
word that comes out of their mouth when they’re talking about you is a lie; going on the much less
sparkly but surprisingly quite nice
path; the path getting a little scarier and outside of the comfort zone
I never thought could be so small and limited; unknowingly unstable comfort;
absolute disaster because of one stupid mistake on the course of that unstable
comfort when I thought I finally had a break.
This has been an eye opener, a knock on the head and a
lesson learnt. The truth is: there is no such thing as break in my life, in
many of our lives. And I only just realised that. I guess I’ve grown up a
little but the scary thing is that there is so much more to learn because I am
still young and mentally a lot younger and to me, life really isn’t scary until
it happens. I go with the flow. This year of 2015, I know I will continue to go
with the flow and I will happen to come across life and it will be scary but
that’s all it is, life and it can destroy you but you can’t lie on your back on
the ground and say to passers by when they ask why you’re lying on the ground
that life destroyed you. We all live life. We all have to get up, walk along
our own paths and deal with life as it comes.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone learns from those mistakes
but it doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes over and over and over again. It’s a
part of living life. We can’t avoid it no matter how much we want to. No matter
how much it is an inconvenience to that shiny sparkly path we have right in front
of us that we can step on to if we just work that little bit harder. You can
totally mess up due to one stupid little mistake and/or an old habit that dies
hard and that life you thought would be “easier” is gone. It happens to all of
us. Some of us give up and complain forever until we die and some of us get up
no matter how many stupid mistakes we make and we walk that new path and we
take life as it comes because what do you really have to complain about when
you really try and put your all into reaching for the life you want.
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