Do I have high hopes for 2015?

The year 2015 was doomed from that moment in 2012 when I thought I could actually get myself on my path A (the most shiny and sparkly path complete with a conveyor belt to makes things that much faster) with how much of a failure I was. That moment in 2012 set up a deplorable amount of failures on my part that led up the year 2015: my very last pre-recorded chance. Since that moment, there has been my eighteenth birthday when I somewhat realised that my life for the past year had not been as fruitful as I had thought; the time after my eighteenth birthday when I realised that the break of life from here on had basically stopped and the fun was over; the unexpectedly dreary and tiring content of my most dangerous subject in college in my again dangerous second year; the problems with my university applications and my being put at an unfairly severely low place on the list of priorities, that point in 2013 where I realised that path A was unrealistic because I am an utter failure and only those who are adequate at life or have enough money to get themselves out the responsibilities of going through life like everyone else are allowed the privileges of that shiny and sparkly path; loneliness; absolute depression; self-destruction; that one cruel email from my teacher that told me my dreaming was over, I had failed pitifully and I was going to have my entire future taken away with just that; almost suicide; my mother finding me and my parents both talking me into some kind of safe state of mind; the taking of responsible adult action on my part to come to find that adults suck and with some of them almost every word that comes out of their mouth when they’re talking about you is a lie; going on the much less sparkly but surprisingly quite nice  path; the path getting a little scarier and outside of the comfort zone I never thought could be so small and limited; unknowingly unstable comfort; absolute disaster because of one stupid mistake on the course of that unstable comfort when I thought I finally had a break.

This has been an eye opener, a knock on the head and a lesson learnt. The truth is: there is no such thing as break in my life, in many of our lives. And I only just realised that. I guess I’ve grown up a little but the scary thing is that there is so much more to learn because I am still young and mentally a lot younger and to me, life really isn’t scary until it happens. I go with the flow. This year of 2015, I know I will continue to go with the flow and I will happen to come across life and it will be scary but that’s all it is, life and it can destroy you but you can’t lie on your back on the ground and say to passers by when they ask why you’re lying on the ground that life destroyed you. We all live life. We all have to get up, walk along our own paths and deal with life as it comes.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone learns from those mistakes but it doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes over and over and over again. It’s a part of living life. We can’t avoid it no matter how much we want to. No matter how much it is an inconvenience to that shiny sparkly path we have right in front of us that we can step on to if we just work that little bit harder. You can totally mess up due to one stupid little mistake and/or an old habit that dies hard and that life you thought would be “easier” is gone. It happens to all of us. Some of us give up and complain forever until we die and some of us get up no matter how many stupid mistakes we make and we walk that new path and we take life as it comes because what do you really have to complain about when you really try and put your all into reaching for the life you want.

So, in closing, do I have high hopes for 2015? I've stopped hoping. I'm going to get what I want eventually, I might fail again like I have so many times but I won't give up because there is an unlimited amount of routes to the promise land.

This is coming a state of mind where I have been thinking about giving up and ending it all for the second time in my life and is for all those people who have been experiencing similar thoughts or are just finding life really hard lately. No matter who you are, no matter what your problems are, this is life, we all live it so let's support each other and live it together. I'll always be here.

If you are humane and want to talk: seouldicted@gmail.com

Nasty EXO Rumours

So I've just completely had enough of these baseless rumours about my boys, EXO. My friend sent me a message telling me that Tao was going to leave EXO and my jaw dropped and felt the weight of the world come down on me

only to find out within seconds from my own google search that it was nothing but I tiny tiny rumour that wasn't even on any major kpop blogs. All I could find was a discussion on it on a forum. I'm so pissed off with people that just see a rumour and believe it. I just can't deal with that anymore. And thus my rant commences.

You see, Tao is my second bias and I know him a lot better than that. He's my second bias to Kai (!!), more than all the other members! That also means, I know him better and I know he wouldn't leave. He's so determined and happy in EXO, he would not leave. He was the most upset when Kris left, why would he put the members through that when he and the rest of them went through it twice. What would he do if he left EXO; he doesn't have any acting jobs like Luhan did. I'm not even gonna write about that anymore, cuz it's not gonna happen.

What I WILL write about is this one random baseless rumour, which I found out last night surfaced on Weibo and then expanded to something insane. I'm talking the worst thing that can happen on this Earth before Jesus' return. Basically I saw on a forum, someone had posted the original rumour that one random low life had posted the on Weibo and it was basically that two members of EXO were going to leave; one Chinese member and one Korean member. There was no definite time when these members or one of these members would leave. They didn't say who; it was just that one Chinese member and one Korean member were going to leave and that was it. 

Then there were replies to this thread by English speakers commenting on this after having totally believed it. They were replying saying: The Chinese member is probably Tao and that EXO were probably going to disband after that. And mind you, these are people's own opinions and there's nothing wrong with sharing your opinion which is what I'm doing in this blog but the problem is that someone took the original statement and these opinions and spread it onto other sites and more was added onto it like the snowball effect of more baseless lies being added to that original lie and getting bigger as it went along. And eventually, I saw on tumblr this morning a text post saying: Tao and a Korean member are going to leave EXO in 2015.

Now let me remind you that the original statement did not give any indication of which member was leaving EXO and they also did not say that it was going to be in 2015. This right here is the perfect example of a rumour started by one person being made into an even bigger rumour. Thankfully, some EXO-Ls are pretty past and were already working on cleaning this rumour up before it got even bigger but this highlights an underlying problem much bigger than the EXO fandom. 

There are people in this world that like to make up hurtful things and when they have the possible power to spread that around the internet, they will exploit that power and use that power and hurt an entire fandom of people based on something they completely made up from their not too creative mind.

The EXO fandom is pretty big. There are a hell of a lot of EXO-L's all over the world and people that simply like EXO or just like their music. To be able to effect that much people and hurt that much people in such a small amount of time via the internet is so easy to do and it's powerful. I have a blog, I could do it right now! I still remember that rumour a few years ago that a random made up about Jackie Chan being dead. That was sickening.

It was just two days ago that there were girlfriend rumours to do with Kai. It was absolutely RIDONCULOUS! 

I can't believe it was even believed by anyone. And that alleged picture of them together turned out to be a random gamer couple you could do a google image search and find. I mean, it's nothing short of frustrating how many Kai rumours there have been since day 1 in January 2012 when no one like him cuz they thought he was in too much of EXO's teasers . Since these days there have been so so much rumours of Kai just not being a nice person, being a dick and blah blah blah, it doesn't matter because any EXO fan would know that Jongin is the sweetest little puppy there ever was and he is a wonderful person (yes, he is my ultimate bias and I love him but I'm not biased when I speak this truth). I just hate seeing these rumours because they not only spread this throughout the fandom but they reach the artists and we all know too well when it comes to Tao rumours he knows. He knows them all and as a Tao fan, it hurts. It hurts a lot that people would think less of him because of something someone made up and some more people added to. These people don't matter. These people need to get pure happiness and they're not going to find it from taking it away from others.

Tao and Kai have some real haters and they just love to keep making up rumours about them but as I've learnt in life, people only make up stuff about you when they can't find any dirt on you.

You know what, I'm gonna wrap this up and leave you with an awesome quote from tumblr:

"If you didn't hear it with your own ears or see if with your own eyes, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your own big mouth."

Thank you.

'I just want to stay home and write', has become my motto in life this semester.

Saw this on tumblr and just had to put it on this blog.

Can we just...

Sometimes it feels like life has lost all it's substance.
I know why
but it's hard...



I've been thinking about my future A LOT today.

Will my future goals make me feel like an adult?

I spoke to my friend about the sub-topic of yesterday's topic about how living with your parents makes you feel more like a kid. Turns out, I'm not the only one that feels this way. My friend lives with her parents too and all her siblings and like me, she feels like a kid and knows she wouldn't feel that way if she lived by herself. We both can't wait to graduate and start our careers but it is super super hard in this country to get your own place once you've graduated (it's hard to do anything once you've graduated). I will graduating later than most of my peers since I'm going to Korea for a year next year, so that day of possibly living by myself is even farther away.

I not so long ago, researched the topic of how one can get themselves a house after they graduate and I came across a thread on The Student Room and the basic answer is that if you want to get yourself a house/flat or rent somewhere, you need to have a lot of savings or you need to stay at home with your parents, get yourself a salary job and save up as much as you can with the money from your salary job and then you can think about getting yourself a place and that's with the way the market is right now. Things will no doubt change and most likely get harder.

Well, looking into the future, my goal is that once I graduate I want to get a English-teaching job in a public school in Korea as soon as possible. The ideal situation would be that it'd be so soon when I manage to get a job that I'd probably be in Korea when it comes to my graduation ceremony (haha too bad ~ but everyone'll know that I've already made it).

I don't know if this'll change by the time it's significant for me but the way it's been in Korea for I don't know how long is that when you get a job at a public school, that school pay's for your house and your furniture. Which is freaking awesome! So that would be my ideal situation: to move to Korea to be a teacher as soon as I'm done with uni and have my own little place high up in Seoul that I can finally call my own, buy my own food, etc. and finally be able to call myself an adult.

Heck, I'll probably never be able to call myself an adult.

Growing up hurts.

Warning: possible controversial opinions
I've been feeling really kind of down lately (lately as in quite a few weeks now) most of the time I can't really find a reason but I do have some reasons, I guess. It's just that those reasons shouldn't make me feel like this 24/7. Yes, 24/7, it's gotten to point that every night I have nightmares. I have to pray diligently every night before I go to sleep that I won't have any nightmares. Since starting uni in October my stress has gradually gotten higher and higher and unbearably higher. It's really taking it's toll and I think that may be the main reason for my nightmares, just the stress and worries of what's going on in my life and what's going on with me.

The problems that I think about the most are:

• The transition from being a child to an adult and
• Day to day talking to people who don't have Christ in their lives and feeling so sad about it.

Yeah, these are actual problems that I have and they are big ones.

The first being the transition is the one I think about the most. Now that I'm in my second year of uni, my course requires me to have quite a huge level of responsibility and to be very honest: it freaks me out. I've never had so much responsibility thrust upon me like this. And you may brush it off and say I'm just a little kid or I'm acting like a kid or whatever but yeah, I'm admitting it. I am a little kid. I don't want to completely blame my parents for how they've raised me but the situation is that that is the situation. There's nothing I can do about it. This is who I am. Most people in my class are older than me, some are younger or the same age but I'm telling you, none of these people seem to be having the slightest problem with this sudden responsibility. I've spoken to my close friend about this who is the same age as me and she doesn't seem to understand how I feel, either. I mean, it's not like I'm running around complaining to everyone who'll listen about this, I am just getting on with and doing what I have to do, so it could be that other's feel the same and are hiding it as I am. But it's hard.

I am basically responsible for someone else's ability to speak English and their experience they have with me and my peers/colleagues will affect them for the rest of their lives. It's a big deal and it's so sudden. But please don't get me wrong because I'm not saying I don't want to do this. That's the whole point. This is life. We all have to grow up at some point. And I want to grow up but it's really surprisingly hard for me. This whole situation is that I can't just think about myself and the conventional student life of getting my own work in on time but I have to think about others that are dependent on me to teach them and give them something that will help them throughout their life if they take it. 

I'm not one to complain, that's why no one in my life knows about this apart from my very close friend. It even feels weird writing it here and telling you and you probably can't even relate to this but...

Just fyi, I live with my parents and it was not long ago that my parents went away for the weekend. They left with my telling them, "I'm just a child." Anyway, when they were gone, I'm telling you I've never felt more like an adult. The adult that I wanted to be. I was left with my two-years-younger sister in the house for two days and while she did nothing, I tidied the house like never before for those two days; I kept it clean and you know, just normal house work and I wasn't asked by parents to do any of it. It felt good. I finally felt like a proper adult for the first time. My parents came home to a clean home and that very same day they did come home they messed everything up and made a lot of noise and my frequent cleaning dwindled down by demotivation. I felt like a child again.

Everyone one of my peers that are doing the exact same work I do are living away from their parents, far away. Multiple 10s of miles away and then there's me. I knew living at home while going to uni would have an affect on me like this but  I never realised how much until now. Until I looked at my younger peers that seem older than me and I see crystal clear the affects of living with your parents. From that weekend, I know that if I was living by myself I would morph into the adult I want to be straight away. The responsibility at uni would not be fun but at least I would fee like I have the right to that responsibility. Teaching people older than me is just... really weird. I have this fear that they'd find out my (and my peer's) real positions and they'd lose their respect. 

I think about living by myself a lot (no roommates, no one). I know it'll be really hard to be able to afford that opportunity and I won't be able to do that until 2016 but I look forward to it. I really do.

All I know is that I am a child inside and I need to grow up fast. I want to. But it's hard when no one understands what I'm going through. It might be smooth sailing for some people but for me, growing up hurts.

In terms of my other problem. I think I'll leave that one for another post...

Shall I start blogging again?

I really want to start blogging again. I remember when I started uni, I was so excited to just blog about my time there and all my experiences and stuff and my blog eventually became of more mixed content (like drama reviews etc.) and I eventually just stopped.

It's not like I didn't have ideas on what to blog about, it's just sometimes I wonder if I really should put my thoughts out on the internet like this. I have these thoughts that my readers might think I'm depressed or my opinions might be controversial or... whatever but I think it's good to have a place you can share your thoughts especially as I feel a lot that I do have quite a bit to say but I don't have the right people in my life to say it to.

It's hard for me to keep a blog up but... I guess I'll try because I want to.

Well, here's my first post I guess. :)